I feel so so so.....

Today's 22nd March. My flight's on 4th April, right after POC weekend. With only 8 days left before I leave for China, I'm pressed for time. Like seriously.

I'm feeling a mixed of emotions within; bubbling, boiling and waiting...

I feel like crying for help because there're just too much things to clear and seriously lacked time to handle them.

I feel like disappearing without communications. I feel tired of everything and I just want to rest and do nothing.

I feel like doing everything all at once, making things happen and ensuring I clear as much responsibilities as possible before I head over.

I feel like spending more time with my family and loved ones. I feel like not spending anytime with anyone except myself.

I am so looking forward to my trip. I am so dreading my trip.

I feel like getting things done. I feel like dropping everything and who gives a damn.

I feel like socializing with the entire world. I feel like shutting myself away from the entire world.

I feel like bitching, moaning and whining. I feel like I'm seriously wasting time and energy to blog this entry now.

I feel like I miss the entire world. I feel like I am ready to leave behind this part of my world.

I feel...

maybe it is time to stop blogging...

and get back to my work.

Responsibility

I learnt that I cannot rescue other people from their destiny and that trying to do so can undermine their strength.

Instead of drawing conclusions, draw wisdom instead and have it manifest in your life.

The heart hurts. Hear what it says.

Accept the fact that it happened. Let it go, be complete and move on.

Never repeat same mistake twice.

Completion for 2010

2010 has been a crazy year for me. Here's my completion for last year.

I did A LOT of Acts of Courage (AOCs):

• There was a week when I took on the challenge of clearing 50 AOCs and clutters each (because one of my clients cleared 32 AOCs and clutters so I thought I should take it on too)
• Stepped up as Course Supervisor for Freedom in Money program
  
• Wrote and gave love letters to each of my family members
• Completed my relationship with a guy
• Stepped into a new relationship (despite the lack of faith that it may not work out)
• Let go and moved on from that relationship
  
• Collected a 5-year old debt
• Returned an autograph book I owed for 3 years
• Coached the master certified coach (finally!)
• Got into a cab to chase after a bus (so I could find out why the driver didn't stop for me)
• Got red hot manicure
• Wore the green tank top I avoided for 2 years
• Shared the truth in front of the coaching body (for MCW 1210)
  
• Among many others...

I made a difference by stepping up for leading and coaching assignments:

• Led 4 x "Making Courage Work" (MCW) programs - 0110, 0410, 1110, 1210 (each MCW program is 8-week long. So that's 32 weeks of commitment >_<)
• Led 6 x "The Courage to Create" previews
  
• Led 5 x "Basic Leadership Program" previews
• Led 6 x technical trainings for the coaches (C1AA, C1A, C1B)
• Led 2 x "Professional Coach Training Program 1"
• Led 3 x ad-hoc trainings (on communication, invitation & coach upgrade)
• Led 8 x C1AA trainings (that's another 8 weeks of commitment)
• Set 2 rounds of exam papers (for C1A, and C1AA)
• Coached 10 clients
• Supervised 9 coaches
• Tested 2 C1A coaches (took on 2 personal projects as well)
  

I was thirsty for knowledge:

• Read 40 - 50 books
• Watched many videos on strategy
• Attended monthly coach, and leading trainings
• Reviewed "Principles of Seduction" program

I received some really nice gifts in December:

• Precious moment figurine with violin from Xing Lun
  
• Wall paper and a lovely card from Dorothy
• Cookie and choc from my "coach" cum testee, Cindy
• Purple tulip from my "coach" cum testee, Huimin
• Citigem necklace, and nice choc cake from my brother
• SK Jewellery necklace from my sisters/ sec sch friends
• A treat to Universal Studio by my dearest er mei

2010 was really - Crazy. And I grew a lot, got myself out of the comfort zone many times, fell down and got up again.

Some other random highlights of 2010:

• Took bus from Larkin to JB custom for the 1st time as I visited my grandpa over Good friday's weekend. That weekend was great.
• Received but lost the chance to be featured on the radio
• A lot of ding-dong-ing in my career when I received news that I would be going China
• Found a bistro I'd like to co-own. Over the last 2 months, I brought 31 people to that bistro. With my China trip pending, I wonder when would be the next time I speak to the director(s) again regarding our partnership
• Had lunch with Michelle Saram by chance (and found out she co-owned 2 restaurants)
• Picked up violin again and learnt the songs I've always wanted to learn
  
• Did prawn fishing for the 1st time
• Danced in the fountain (in front of SMU Li Ka Shing Library)
• Participated in a salsa dance competition and got top 3
• Opened a new savings account
• Treated my parents to Singapore flyer and a nice seafood meal. Brought them to ECI's office at Henderson.
• Wrapped up the year by holding a traditional X'mas dinner gathering for the 1st time and 16 ppl. turned up! Nice.

Every year, I would set a new theme for my life. Here's a recap of the themes I have had over the past 5 years:

Theme for 2010: Strategist, Personal Wealth Accumulation, Commander

Theme for 2009: Self-Love, Personal Results, Family

Theme for 2008: Integrity, Relationships & Discipline

Theme for 2007: Performance, Effectiveness & Results

Theme for 2007: Love, Wisdom & Courage

For 2011, my theme is "Pleasant Surprises, Best of the Best Time of My Life & Responsibilities".

Recent random thoughts...

Recent random thoughts...

• If I run away from commitment, how can I ever step into my own power and control?
• Courage is taking that step to forward my dreams and goals in spite of knowing I might fail.
• Life is difficult. That is why, it is fun.
• How to be completely in love and detached at the same time?
• What are my patterns in relationships? / How do I sabotage my relationships?
• What are his patterns in relationships? / How does he sabotage his relationships?
• What is the RIGHT thing to do now? And when is the RIGHT time to do it?
• Sometimes, it's not about what I want anymore. It is about what would forward the organization in 3 waves to come. And matching that to my personal growth. It's about finding that RIGHT alignment and balance.
• Sometimes, life just doesn't make sense anymore. Lately, I don't make sense to myself anymore. I think I've changed quite a fair bit.
• Busy with activities does not mean GROWTH/ Evolution.

What is it you really want?

You really need to think far and deep...

What is it you really want to do?

And how much are you willing to give up just to make it happen?

If taking on one path requires that much sacrifices and you plan to walk double paths, how much are you willing to give up just to make that happen, supposing it is even possible?

Otherwise, it becomes a constant tiptop on a platform that's not stable enough.

So... what is it you really want to do?

Set it free

"If you love something, set it free; if it comes back it's yours, if it doesn't, it never meant to be."

Sigh.

The day when I seeked the truth

Finally, after struggling to find the answer for so long, I decided to seek the truth.

Now that I have gotten the truth, I'm not too sure how I ought to react.

At least I'm clear that the struggling is no longer present. And I need to start getting used to this fact.

An overdue post

It was an act of courage for me when I decided to stand up for myself and seek the truth why...

A bus driver of TransIsland Bus #851 passed by my stop and refused to stop for me. I thought he meant it as the next bus was arriving soon. At 0012H, I knew I had missed the last bus at 0009H. THAT, was the last bus.

I could have taken a night rider. I could have taken a cab home. I could have stayed over at SMU to catch the 1st bus. I've got quite a few options... but I doubt I could ever be at peace with myself not knowing the truth.

After debating for 10 full minutes, I decided to seek the truth and went on an adventure. I flagged down a cab and told the driver to chase after the bus.

10 minutes later, we finally found the bus. I told the cab driver to drop me 3 bus stops ahead of THAT bus so I could wait for it. My cab driver just patiently wait there for me in case I needed to take his cab again. By the way, the cab fare cost me $10.20.

This time, the bus did stop for me. I sat on the bus debating if I should confront the driver in front of everyone or wait till it reaches the yishun bus interchange to speak to him privately.
By then, I couldn't trust my emotions. I decided I'd be nice and speak to him in private.

To my surprise, my curiosity in seeking for the truth was stronger than my sense of righteousness. I spoke to the driver (who was a china man) calmly. I found out that he thought it wasn't the right stop so he didn't stop the bus for me.

Guess what's the next thing I did? I whipped out the cab receipt and the bus driver willingly paid me $10.20.

I had to walk home after that because there was no more feeder bus home.

But I'm glad I pluck out the courage to seek the truth. Sometimes, things are not as bad as it seems. The question is - Do I have the courage to seek the truth?

M'sia Trip

I had an eventful Good friday's weekend.

Shopping Spree!

• Bought 2 sets of "The Jewel in the Palace" DVDs because they were on a great sale. Decided I wanna give them away as presents
• Bought 2 DVDs for myself
• Bought facial masks at a great bargain, after I had successfully negotiated with the staff to do a goods exchange for my cousin
• Bought 2 new designer's clothes after an afternoon of window shopping

I ate, ate and ate...

• Had a sumptuous dinner at a restaurant
• Had Bak Kut Teh for breakfast with my grandfather, bonded with him, and in the process, learnt something about my dad which I wasn't aware of
• Had the famous Melacca's chicken rice balls, which I had been craving them for years
• Had a waffle which I honestly feel it's much better than Prima Deli's
• Celebrated my grandfather's birthday. There was a buffet catering, but all I can recall is my red egg, which I had been craving for some time.
• Went night market and had curry fish balls, satay chicken and keropok (damn nice!)
• Had Bak Kut Teh for breakfast again with my relatives, but at a different stall

I charmed my relatives with my skill sets =P

• Taught my cousin how to do speed reading
  
• Taught another cousin how to watch out for timing to bet in Casino
• Taught 2 relatives a bit of memory skills. Felt like I was leading a preview on Power Memory Coaching Program =P
  

Exchanged news with my relatives

• Exchanged updates/ gossips with my relatives
  
• Yup, I got brainwashed by my cousin that I really should go K.L. despite what others claim that it is not safe
  

I paid respects to my ancestors

• Went tomb-cleaning and paid respects to my great grandparents and my grandmother

I realized that I could read people really well...

• Not that I can't already read people, but I realized how much I've grown when I started to feel all the pain spots and needs of each relative. It was both amazing and kinda spooky.

Caught up with my readings

• Managed to borrow a book on personality reading from my cousin, and completed reading it!
• Completed another 2 chapters of Dao De Ching. I somehow feel I'm taking forever to finish that book.

Had my 1st time...

• Quite an adventure to take a chartered bus alone for my 1st time... but I didn't like the experience of squeezing with people on the bus all the way from Larkin to JB custom, and JB custom to Singapore's custom!
• I bumped into a really nice Malay father and daughter at Larkin interchange who looked after my belongings and smiled at me when they left.
  

I had an eventful weekend. Now that I'm back, it's back to work again...

Try at least once in my lifetime...

Here's what I would love to try at least once in my lifetime. I want to...

1. Do dirt biking
2. Sit in a hot air balloon and sail across the seas and mountains
3. Trek in the desert
4. Do skateboarding and believing that i'm damn good at it
5. Dive in clear blue seas and make monkey faces to the fishes
6. Do water rafting
7. Do paragliding
8. Jet skiing
9. Bungee jumping
10. Sky diving
11. Explore an isolated/ forgotten island
12. Hike in the forest, get lost, but rescue without a scratch
    
13. Go on a snow expedition and take pictures with the polar bears
14. Stand at the top of the mountain with my loved one
15. Dress like young indiana jones and go trekking
16. Canoeing at some nice waters with no one but me and my partner
17. Be so awed by the mountains that I'm moved to tears
18. Ride motorcycle and take beautiful photos around the country side
19. Do rock climbing and be a national geographer for a day
20. Do sunbathing/ spiritual dance under the sun
21. Spiritual trip to San Diego
22. Dance in the middle of the street in Spain and people dance crazily with me, and we all had so much fun...

Here're the things I would love to do which are FREE...

I want to...

1. Be moved by a cup of coffee
2. Allow my smile to touch a total stranger; just like how my candy brighten the spirit of a lady during my FIM
3. My words of encouragement prevented someone from ending his life
4. My love inspires others to live the best they can each day and be a source of inspiration to others
5. While I'm dancing in the fountain again, adults drop their briefcase and join me in the water and play
6. Be a tourist in Singapore, armed with my camera and go around the place asking for directions. Connect to my country like it's my 1st time.
   
7. Heal a bitter soul with my warm tears and lovely smile
   
8. Be moved by my greatness every single day...

The Day When I've Too Many Plates to Spin

迷时望目标。卡时望起点。慢时加能量。乱时把心定。

A really weird day

Interesting

• The day before a friend called for some coaching because he was feeling overwhelmed. I shared with him a story on the "little monk and 10 rice sacks" to lift up his spirits. He shared with me over msn today that he shared the same story to 3 of his friends, and all of them gained clarity and realizations on their lives. That was like "wow".

• I bumped into a stranger in the lift. I said "hello, how was your day?". He replied, "I hope it's a great one so that we can close a $6M deal." I said gd luck to him. Twice. It felt nice to connect to a stranger just like that.

• I took a cab back to Great world city and had a gd chat with the cab driver. I usually don't. It was nice.

• I was the 1st one to reach office today.
  

BooBoos

• I took a cab to Neil road but forgot to get the receipt from the driver. I can't claim from company. =(

• When I reached office, I found out that I need to refund account dept a previous claim because I threw their petty cash voucher into the dustbin after I collected the money.

Seems like a day of interesting connection but a booboo day of losing petty cash.

Need to increase my awareness and empty my mind.

Let me see if I can self-coach and turn my fortune around.

Gd luck to me. Gd luck to me.

Theme For Year 2010

Summary of 2009

• Cleared a few bucket list items
1. Flew a kite
2. Skinny dipped
3. Bought a bouquet of flowers for myself
4. Reverse-bungeed

• Coaching & Leading experience
1. Hosted/ led at least 10 times.
2. Highest experience point gained last year was leading PCTP1 workshop with Lin
3. Stepped into my role as a C2 supervisor coach.
4. Stepped up as a C2 coordinator
5. Did private coaching for Sotheby

• Personal development
1. Read around 40 - 50 books

• Management experience
1. Managed 1 TCC preview (50% enrollment ratio)
2. 1 PCTP1 preview (30 guests, ~30% enrollment ratio)
3. 1 social event (30 new guests)
4. 1 PMCP workshop (13 participants, 2 signed up for advanced programs)
5. Wave 10 BLP (27 participants)
6. Experience Points gained was adopting new strategies in my enrollment plan for PCTP1 preview, and changed my style of management (to more empowering) for BLP.

• BLP Wave 8
1. I joined Wave 8 9-month basic leadership program. I was a strategist for the wave in semester 3, and I think I did a good job.
2. Managed to have a pri-sch friend to come back into my life. Now he is in wave 10.
3. Assistant Director for our wave 8's film
4. Communication trainer for wave 9 as my community service project

• Media exposure
1. Featured in Lian He Zao Bao for Linking Hearts Campaign on 9 August, 2009 http://linkinghearts.wordpress.com
2. Starred in Channel 8’s “我是不倒翁” aka “I will survive” reality TV show

• Family
1. Reassured my family of my responsibilities
2. Did an act of courage and told my grandfather that I love him

• Romance
1. Realized that my attractiveness/ attraction level has increased
2. Found someone that feels right

• Career
1. Left my business partnership and joined Wilmar International, in training phase as a Business Process Analyst. Still working there currently.

Overall, year 2009 has been a fruitful year for me. My theme for 2009 was “Self-love, Personal Results, and Family” and I’m glad there’re significant breakthroughs in each of the domain.

--

My Theme for year 2010: “Strategist, Personal Wealth Accumulation, Commander”

Qualities I need to hone:

• Charisma
• Precision in timing
• Leadership
• Attraction
• Self-Mastery
• More courage to step up
• Compassion
• Higher standards – be strict on demanding standards
• Grace
• Gracefulness in delivery
• Ability to express my clarity and cause paradigm shifts in others easily
• Etc

--

“要舍才能得，不舍就不得。”

Sometimes when we really want something badly, we got to ask ourselves, how much is it worth?

In chinese there's a saying, “要舍才能得，不舍就不得。”

It means, you need to let go in order for you to get/ receive. If you don't let go, then you can't get/ receive.

Makes me ponder, what is it I was not willing to let go of? What was it I was so attached to?

If I want it the way I want it badly enough, am I ready to lose everything as well?

I think I've reached a point where I'm not willing to settle down for anything less. So here goes...

ALL or NOTHING.

At this point, I had a realization - the thing I was not willing to let go of, was my sense of perfection.

WTF.

And that brings me to back to the starting point - "What should I do next?"

And then another realization came - maybe, I wasn't ready to let go of my indecisiveness.

WTF.

Alright, back to ALL or NOTHING again.

PS: I miss my clarity. I wish she can bring us out of this loop.

I love Me!

Writing this entry to remind myself of this certainty I'm feeling currently.

• No one else can provide me with certainty. Only I can give myself the state of reassurance and certainty I need
• If you want something from someone, and when you are prepared to give him what he wants, you will realize you will get what you want too
• I love myself enough to give myself the certainty that I do want this relationship, a lot.
• The more I try to run away from getting hurt, the more I would be hurt
• The more I try to deny myself from my feelings, the more I find it harder to move on
• The more I try to seek security outside, the more insecured I would feel inside. The more secured I feel inside, the more sense of security I get outside.
• When I stop blocking my emotions from flowing, I am one with my heart and mind.
• I love me.
  
• I love him.
• I love me enough to love him.
• Gosh, I love this feeling of self-love, certainty and sense of security. I am so freaking moved.
• I love me, I love me, I love me.... I love me... Gosh, I love this new me...
• Alright, now what's left is an act of courage... Let's Do It!!!
  

The Courage to Create

I just completed "The Courage to Create" coaching program over the weekend.

What's nice are...

• I did this program with a primary and sec school mate
• Finding out the source for my fear of rejection, lack of trust, independence, lost-ness etc came from
  
• Did many Acts of Courage and let go of many emotional baggage
• Free up a lot of trapped energies
• An ex-crush complimented me that I looked more attractive these days
• I am more charismatic, clear, attractive, free, grounded etc
  
• Deepened self-love and connection to self
• Improved a lot of relationships as a result of these Acts of courage
• Gained a lot of clarity about my life and the direction i'm heading to
• Attracted free bag of fries and a burger
• Had an interesting experience at Vivocity
  

Latest Happenings...

My latest happenings...

• Program Manager for the creation of a leadership program. Working closely with a team of 30 ppl to make this happen.
  
• Assistant Director of a movie (local independent production) - shooting in progress this weekend, but i'm not around... so...
• Helping out at the editing team
• Watched 4 movies within the last 2 weeks. Would be catching another movie this evening
• Practised a lot of chinese at work while working closely with the system analyst from china
• Supporting cast for a local tv reality show. Screening in Dec! Woot!
• Coaching private client from Sotheby. Cool experience~
• Came across this term, Conference Producer, for the 1st time and i think it sounds cool. Hmm...
• Played a few rounds of bball
• Celebrated Halloween and wore costume for my 1st time too.
• Would be reviewing a coaching program this weekend with a pri school mate. Cool~
• Read 3 new books this month. Borrowed another 4 books at the library. Can't wait to finish them all
• Lost 2 kg. But just put on another kg last night after visiting Carl's Jr. >_<
• Meeting new people. Great. Now's high time to catch up with old friends. =)

That's all... would be expecting Nov. to be a month of new experiences, productivity, catching up with friends and family period.

Interesting experience

Acted as a supporting cast for a reality show on Channel 8 last night.

I made Guo Liang and the whole casting crew waited for almost an hour. Oops...

Other than that, it was a really fun, interesting and spontaneous shooting...

Being not so self-conscious help in being natural...

Chatting with the crew was an interesting experience too.

Experience as a Director

Just completed my BLP 3rd weekend on Mon morning. To be honest, we didn't really have completion. We were so so so busy over the weekend that by the time i'm ready to go to work, most of us couldn't even stand straight. We were that tired.

But it was such fun! We had a 48-hour movie making campaign, and I was the assistant director of the movie. Could you imagine not sleeping for 48-hour?

Things we had to do in this crazy 48-hour:
- Align the team (on what movie is it)
- Operations plan
- Crash course on movie-making
- Crash course on editing
- Crash course on directing/ filming effects
- Script- writing
- Make-up
- Location search/ scouting (like where to shoot certain scenes etc)
- Shooting / Re-shooting
- Reviewing the videos
- Editing the scenes
- Piecing the scenes together
- Researching on various film festival to submit our movie to
- Lots of bickering
- Fierce battle-in-progress
- Ensuring the team is still alive
- Crash course on sound effects
- Going around making sure everyone stays awake and being productive
- Creating special segment (like those NGs scenes)
- Create credits for acknowledgements
- Playing the raw movie


I think it's crazy, i think it's fun. I think i was so greenhorn. I think I can get much better.
I realized so much of my strengths, weaknesses, growth, communication, miscommunication, leadership, working style etc. When you are stressed, all these surfaced. I appreciate the growth over this weekend. =)

Shall research more on being a great director.

3rd weekend is here!

Tomorrow is my wave 8 BLP* 3rd weekend.

I'm ending my 3rd semester with:

• Results to show
• Systems in place
• Balls to juggle
• Increased and increasing attraction level
• Sense of loss (people come, people go. *sniffs sniffs*)
• Determination to make things work no matter what
• Formulas that worked and didn't work
• Newfound confidence
• A sexy strategist (hehehe... so cute!)
• Newfound way of communication
  

Alright, can't wait for it to start. Can't wait for it to complete.

BLP* stands for basic leadership program